Ranting -proceed with caution!
Today I noticed an ache....an emptiness inside of me. It's nothing new, really, but today I actually decided to find the reason for it. The reason why I always have this awful feeling that people hate me, that I will never succeed and that no one cares about me.
I had this...'emptiness', pain with me since ever it seems. It even became a part of my normal self: being different, not able to fit anywhere, believing that people don't like me....therefore I became distant, paranoid...I don't know. Whatever people around me do or say nice I end up twisting into something different never actually thinking that maybe they did it because they do care about me.
So, I started browsing through my memory....... And the truth is....I have tons of reasons to feel this way and it is all their fault. It all started in 6th grade in elementary school. I was bullied, called names, hated, laughed at, made fun of....I had absoultely no friends! The boys from my class would beat my dog too sometimes if she waited for me in front of school.
Oh how many times would I come home soaked with tears screaming at my parents that I hate every single one of my classmates, that I want to go to a different school, that I'll kill myself. I knew there was not much they can do. My father did everything he could to stop the bullying, all in vain.
All of my classmates would go out together, organise parties and have fun together. I was always left out. And hated. And now they are all surprised I turn them down when they invite me out? I mean, they are the ones who got me used to not going out with them. I have found my own fun somewhere else surrounded with dogs....drawing, talking with people on internet... ''Internet friends are not real friends'' excuse me, but where were you when I needed you? Oh right, you were the one laughing at me....oh sorry, you weren't? Yes right, you dumped me because I wasn't cool enough for you.
So yeah, when I hit 6th grade in my memory all the dark memories started coming up and there is no end it seems!
Of course now when they say ''You are beautiful'' I shake it off because I am used to thinking that I look like an stork or horse. Well, of course I am aware of my appearance, and honestly, I don't give a s*it about it. They keep calling me to go out with them, but I reject them every single time. Why? We have absolutely nothing to talk about. They are all strangers to me. I don't know them. I don't know their interests. Strangers! I'm telling you!
And yet I feel like this. I feel like my life is still falling apart, I feel like I am chained. I'm unpredictable, distant, quiet, uninterested, paranoid, absolutely no self confidence....but full of hatred, pain, anger, sadness, rage.....still, I am afraid of being alone. I don't want to be forgotten, which I most likely will be.
I can't stop crying, in my self-pity pool.
I am broken beyond repair.
I am so terribly sorry... I just had to let it all out.....
Also, this is my new oc.
Meet Agonia. A raging white dragon that is in constant agony.
Lovely, isn't she? ♥