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Submitted on
December 31, 2013
Image Size
9.8 MB


134 (who?)
Agony by LuxSilvestra Agony by LuxSilvestra
Ranting -proceed with caution!
Today I noticed an emptiness inside of me. It's nothing new, really, but today I actually decided to find the reason for it. The reason why I always have this awful feeling that people hate me, that I will never succeed and that no one cares about me.
I had this...'emptiness', pain with me since ever it seems. It even became a part of my normal self: being different, not able to fit anywhere, believing that people don't like me....therefore I became distant, paranoid...I don't know. Whatever people around me do or say nice I end up twisting into something different never actually thinking that maybe they did it because they do care about me.

So, I started browsing through my memory....... And the truth is....I have tons of reasons to feel this way and it is all their fault. It all started in 6th grade in elementary school. I was bullied, called names, hated, laughed at, made fun of....I had absoultely no friends! The boys from my class would beat my dog too sometimes if she waited for me in front of school.
Oh how many times would I come home soaked with tears screaming at my parents that I hate every single one of my classmates, that I want to go to a different school, that I'll kill myself. I knew there was not much they can do. My father did everything he could to stop the bullying, all in vain.

All of my classmates would go out together, organise parties and have fun together. I was always left out. And hated. And now they are all surprised I turn them down when they invite me out? I mean, they are the ones who got me used to not going out with them. I have found my own fun somewhere else surrounded with dogs....drawing, talking with people on internet... ''Internet friends are not real friends'' excuse me, but where were you when I needed you? Oh right, you were the one laughing at me....oh sorry, you weren't? Yes right, you dumped me because I wasn't cool enough for you.

So yeah, when I hit 6th grade in my memory all the dark memories started coming up and there is no end it seems!
Of course now when they say ''You are beautiful'' I shake it off because I am used to thinking that I look like an stork or horse. Well, of course I am aware of my appearance, and honestly, I don't give a s*it about it. They keep calling me to go out with them, but I reject them every single time. Why? We have absolutely nothing to talk about. They are all strangers to me. I don't know them. I don't know their interests. Strangers! I'm telling you!

And yet I feel like this. I feel like my life is still falling apart, I feel like I am chained. I'm unpredictable, distant, quiet, uninterested, paranoid, absolutely no self confidence....but full of hatred, pain, anger, sadness, rage.....still, I am afraid of being alone. I don't want to be forgotten, which I most likely will be.
 I can't stop crying, in my self-pity pool.
I am broken beyond repair.
I am so terribly sorry... I just had to let it all out.....
Also, this is my new oc.
Meet Agonia. A raging white dragon that is in constant agony.
Lovely, isn't she? ♥
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roxy932211 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2014
Sorry for a random stranger intrusion (and a late one, just checked through new drawings by people and I like to fave yours too), I think you're awesome, and kind.
Really can't help it if it's normal these days that so many people are assholes, your reaction to them is like they deserve..
But you won't be forgotten, and your fate isn't sealed.
You're still so young, it's not easy but confidence can be learned too.. but you really have to struggle... but things change.
I hope that you're feeling better today, than on the day you wrote this.
I really wish you happiness!

Also great drawings, you show your talent with every new piece. ^^
andreas75490 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014  Hobbyist
Hm... Lovely indeed.
AndreBlackDragon Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2014
i share your pain brother all the hate and all the pain when you still hear the ghostly laught of the ones that considered friends, when youre all alone in the dark alone and in fear, when you have nothing to hold on and no reason to live, are thos moments where we dont noticed but we become more much more than any of our friends will ever unedrstand, broken bones and spitted blood is easy to handle but once your mind is broken and your spirit in dispair, this is the point where  there is no turning back i share your pain, but even in thos moments where you want to give up living there is still only one place to go inside our hearts and minds where a small green paradis, where a clam lake and green trees this is the only place where we can be ourselfs free from agony this is where you should go and even from a brief moment you will be able to feel peace, stay strong becuse it may not be soon but things will turn better you can and WILL overcome this trought time just be pacient. may your heart be true and soul be lighted by the moon and stars and good luck !
8Ryuu8 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Llama Emoji-07 (Hopeless or Scared) [V1] 
here's one cute owl for you… , i hope you'll feel better in the following life ;-;
LuxSilvestra Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww, thanks a lot :tighthug:
Sorakochan Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
Seemingly dark. Ominously beautiful and very well drawn! :D :heart:
Mapse Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow amazing art and we all go through that sometimes, hang in there
Zasora Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
Daj, ajd sa mnom jednom u đir pa ćemo si popričat ak oćeš (:
LuxSilvestra Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Puno ti hvala, ali ja nisam baš tip ljudi koji 'priča' o svojim problemima. Nekako sam navikla sve držat u sebi pa kad puknem sve negdje napisat i opet krenut dalje. Sve ok, svejedno, puno ti hvala :huggle:
Zasora Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
The offer still stays :giggle:
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